THE HEALTH TEACHER AND HER NON-TEA DRINKING HUSBAND - Sue and Victor Crispino

My latest tea meeting was a series of firsts for this blog. For the first time, I interviewed two people at once. And one was a woman! Outstanding! She's the first woman who was bold enough to have tea with me! Thanks Sue Crispino for your bravery. It also was the first time that someone has steadfastly refused to have tea during the interview. That ignominious honor goes to her neanderthal husband, Victor Crispino. He insisted on coffee. Here's a picture of the Crispinos before we sat down.

We met in early March at the elegant Starbucks in Commack. At night. Another first!

The Crispinos are planning on taking a road trip this summer. They wanted to pick my brain about some of the National Parks that I've visited over the years. I've been on several long road trips around this great country. It's a personal passion of mine. Kind of like tea.

Anyway, we got to the counter and perused our tea choices. They had a small set of drawers with all of their teas to view at once. Like a Hollywood Squares of tea.

Sue picked the Mint Majesty. She was happy and confident with her choice.

I'm usually not big on Mint flavor. However Sue's choice inspired me to branch out with a selection of Jade Citrus Mint. Perhaps the Jade and Citrus would blend with the Mint to create a pleasant blend of soothing flavors?

But when I opened up the door...

No more Jade Citrus Mint! I had no idea that the greater Commack area had such an affinity for this type of tea! (We live and we learn.) In the future, I will make sure to get here when the store opens to get ahead of the crowd for this one. Either that or write a letter to Starbucks informing them of their inaccurate calculations regarding suburban tea consumption. Someone needs to be held accountable. This is an outrage!!!!!!

Anyway, I had to go to my second choice, which was the Youthberry. A white tea. I was hoping that it would make me feel youthful. And truth be told, I got several erections during the interview. So I guess it worked.

Oh and finally, Victor got some sort of lame coffee drink. Pathetic.

Right after ordering, Sue went over to the tea station to drain her tea bag. She said she doesn't like keeping the bag in whilst she drinks her tea. I didn't know you could do this.

She calmly removed the lid and pressed the tea bag with a spoon. Then she discarded the tea bag into the garbage. Voila! Empty tea cup!

Thank god for Sue, because she really understands tea. And it was a gift to sit and chat with her.

Unlike her "anti-tea" husband who's uncivilized beverage preferences belay a strong undercurrent of deep psychological issues going back to breast feeding.

So we sat at a table to enjoy our drinks. But immediately, we noticed how cold it was in the place. They had the air conditioning on in March! Brrrrrrrrrrr. Over the course of our tea, we asked the employees several times to turn up the heat. Here's a pic of Victor angrily getting up from the table to demand a satisfactory temperature designed for humans and not polar bears. You can see Sue is pissed as well.

We pressed onward with conversation despite the frigid air. I gave the Crispinos some travel ideas based on their time-frame and sightseeing preferences. Perhaps the Utah loop? Or maybe Olympic National Park? It will be exciting to see what they choose.

Here's a bonus photo: It's from my very first epic road trip in 1995 with my best friend Ralph. We took five weeks to drive cross-country and back. It was one of the best experiences of my life. This pic was taken in the middle of Kansas. Nothing around for miles. Little did I know back then how much I'd enjoy tea later in life. I think it was Justin Bieber who famously said, "Youth is wasted on the young." Or maybe he just said, "Let's get wasted." I get it confused.

Anyway, back to the Crispinos. Both Sue and I thought the tea was still way too hot to start sipping. I burned my tongue.

And yet, this didn't discourage me from enjoying my tea. In my short time enjoying the intricacies of this ancient beverage, I have learned that a burnt tongue is merely a small price to pay for the wealth of benefits that tea has to offer. I've really grown.

Victor didn't seem to care about my pain. He was too busy eating his blueberry muffin like Mr. Peepers eats an apple.

After all the road trip talk, I told them it was time for my three questions. As if on cue, the most fantastic song came on the Starbucks radio. "Arthur's theme (Best that you can do)" by Christopher Cross. Here's a link to it. Please play it as you read on to get yourself enveloped in the mood. Also, crank up the A/C, because at this point it felt like a Siberian meat locker in Starbucks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4rT9C5aV5A

QUESTION 1:

Sue, you are health teacher and Victor you are an alarm technician. How do you guys think you would do if you had the other's job?

SUE:

I think I would have to be completely trained because I don't know anything about low voltage.

EVAN:

But you know about high voltage?

SUE:

(laughs) No. But you mean if I already had the knowledge? Then I would probably do....average.

EVAN:

Just average?

SUE:

I guess. I mean, I wouldn't love it. I'd be professional.

EVAN:

And you sir?

VICTOR:

As a health teacher? I'd be horrible.

EVAN:

Why?

VICTOR:

Because I grew up eating Italian food and it's not healthy.

EVAN:

But what about the sexual aspects? For example what if I was a kid and I asked, "Mr. Crispino, if I masturbate too much will I run out of sperm before I meet a woman? Because I masturbate seven times a day."

VICTOR:

I'd be like, it's bad for you. Don't do it. You will grow hair on your hands.

After question 1, we all cheered because it finally got warmer in the store. Only took a half hour. Victor kept killing his muffin.

QUESTION 2:

We talked earlier about your road trip. Do you foresee any arguments or will it be smooth sailing?

SUE:

Surprisingly it was smooth sailing on our Disney trip last summer. We really didn't argue in Disney. The kids got along. We got along. I don't know if the kids will complain if we do a lot of hiking and walking. If it's too hot I could see them complaining. And Victor might complain that I'm walking too fast.

VICTOR:

(after a pause) Yes.

At this point, I banned Victor from the third question as a punishment for not getting tea. Victor had no problem with this.

QUESTION 3:

As a health teacher, what's the most awkward question that a kid has asked you?

SUE:

Just recently I had a kid who asked why does the penis look like a pig in a blanket?

EVAN:

That's a good question. Can you answer that because I'm confused too.

SUE:

I just said, that's the way it looks. To be honest I've never felt awkward with their questions.

Thank you Crispinos for having tea with me! I love you guys!