THE BUSTED NOSE - Tommy Carino

For my third post, I had tea with this man.

I'm not sure of the exact date that I met Tommy Carino, but I remember the place. It was the outfield. Our mutual friend Brad was assembling a new softball team. He had scheduled a spring scrimmage to get everyone together. Many of us had never met. Tommy and I were both shagging fly balls before the game started. What was immediately obvious to me was that he was an outgoing, friendly fella. Sometimes when you join a new team, everyone is quiet and semi-formal. It's only after you play together for a few months that you learn what type of degenerates you're sharing a bench with. But this Tommy guy was different. He was super affable and friendly right off the bat. (Awful pun!) And he ran around the outfield like a monkey on crack. (Please understand that I mean that in the best way possible.) Here was a guy in his mid 30's, diving after balls in batting practice! Who does that? Who? Tommy frickin' Carino, that's who. What an awesome lunatic. I loved the guy.

Little did I know that 15 years later we'd be having noon tea together, two older/balder best of friends, reminiscing about some of our funniest experiences together on a warm winter weekday.

We decided to try a place called Urban Coffee in Tommy's hometown, Greenlawn, NY.

On a side note, let me tell you that a lot has happened in the time since my last tea post. I have drank more hot tea this year than in all my previous years combined. (I know that my readers will be very excited about this.) Secondly, I have learned how to use my home Keurig machine all by myself. I don't need Jen to help make my tea. But perhaps the most incredible news is that I have discovered my favorite tea!

I know what you're thinking....this is too much to digest in one post. I agree. I'll reveal my favorite in a future blog. Let's get back to Tommy.

We entered the store, giddy with expectations. What types of tea would this establishment have??? When I asked about their tea selection, the counter girl pointed to this sign.

Tommy immediately chose the Decaf Vanilla.

But I took my time. What was the Ceylon & India Orange Pekoe? The girl didn't know much about it. I thought about Chai Latte. And Jasmine. But ultimately I was in the mood for Hot Cinnamon Spice. Not sure why they felt the need to call it "Hot". Isn't that a given? If you order it cold, do you call it Iced Hot Cinnamon Spice? This was confusing. I paused, unable to communicate my choice. My brain was having trouble deciphering this liquid puzzle for a spell. Warning...warning...warning. Neuron malfunction!!!! I mentally spiraled down into whirlpool of Cerebrospinal fluid; flowing fast to an endless tea cup, lost in the yin-yang contradictions of beverage temperatures and the cavernous junkyard of suburban strip-mall coffee-shop civility. This was madness and treachery! A default in the system! Hot and cold no longer separated? WHAT IS GOING ON!!! HELP!!!!!! HELP!!!! HELP!!!!!! HEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait a minute. Calm down. Is that biscotti over there? We'll take two. And I'll take the Hot Cinnamon Spice, please. Thank god for biscotti. Like a culinary life vest.

Now we were ready for tea!

Tommy proceeded to tell me that he has enjoyed tea every morning since he was a teenager. I had no idea! (You think you know someone.) He said that Lipton has been his favorite most of the time. He enjoys it before heading out for the day. It's ritual.

If you look closely, you'll notice Tommy had a cut under his left eye.

The cut was due to a vengeful attack by his dog Stanley. Apparently, Tommy went to kiss his fiancé Kristin that morning in bed and Stanley got very jealous. So he bit Tommy's face. Here is a picture of from earlier that day of Stanley on a table and Tommy pointing to his injury.

I think we can all agree that Stanley looks remorseful. From my perspective, it does nothing to diminish the relationship that Stanley and I share. We are friends and I forgive him for biting Tommy in the face. Maybe Tommy should be more considerate of Stanley's feelings before he kisses his future wife like a raging bull. Something to ponder. Anyway, back to the tea.

The tea was piping hot. So we decided to play one of the many intellectual board games that Urban Coffee offers their customers.

Who knew that there was a board game version of this classic? Jackpot! Unfortunately, there was only three "O"s though.

I was pretty sure that it wouldn't make a big difference. So I gave Tommy the "X"s.

And you know what? The bastard won.

He gloated.

Lucky I guess.

As the tea cooled down to a drinkable temperature, I decided to ask Tommy my three questions.

QUESTION 1:

You've broken your nose eight times. What was the most memorable of the eight times?

TOMMY:

My cousin and I were reenacting a Tyson fight. I went low. He came up with the famous Tyson uppercut and split my nose. I got about 20 stitches. Black eyes. That was the most memorable one.

EVAN:

What number was that in the process? Was that like the fifth time?

TOMMY:

That was like number three.

QUESTION TWO:

You've held many jobs in your life. What's been your favorite?

(Editor's note - this was a boring question. I'm actually embarrassed by it. Apologies to everyone. I choked here.)

TOMMY:

Well I've had many favorite times in many jobs. Probably one of my favorites, because it was short lived, was selling beauty products. I went into beauty salons with salespeople from around the country and I got to talk to hot, beautiful women every day. That shit was fun. I made a lot of fun out of that.

(As a self punishment for such a lame question, I give you this unattractive photo of myself from our noon tea. I call it, "Middle-Aged Turd Face")

QUESTION THREE:

You are well known to have a lot of cousins. Everywhere I go with you, I'm introduced to another one. Have you ever counted how many cousins you have?

TOMMY:

To be honest, I've never really counted. If I had to do an estimate, first cousins...I'm going to have say there's probably 45-50. If I went back to my grandfather on both sides, I'm going to say there's close to 600.

EVAN:

600! And they all live in Huntington?

TOMMY:

I'm going to say that about 400 live in the greater Huntington region.

EVAN:

Have you ever accidentally had sex with one of your cousins?

TOMMY:

No. I have never accidentally had sex with one of my cousins.

(pause)

That I know of.

Thanks again Tommy!

That's all for this time. If you'd like to have tea with me, leave me a note in the comments section. I'll do my best to make time.

Hopefully, I'll have another post in February.

Bye for now....